"hi, my name is savannah. i'm 12 and have been a victim of bullying. thought i'd shoot this video for all of my friends who have experienced the same, and all the other underdogs out there. let's stand"
Voices of Experience
Some interviews were sent out to a number of adults who offered to share their stories of being bullied as children. I did not want to wait any longer to share the voices of the adults who lived through bullying, not unscathed. but with wisdom to share. Once again, these responses are unedited, real and I think essential reading for all parents.
Asked:
Do you have any words of advice for parents who believe that their child may be the victim of bullying or even that their child may be acting as a bully?
Patrick
Be involved in your child’s life and interests. The more you are involved with them and communicate with them, the more you will have a sense of their current mood (even if they won’t tell you what is causing it) and disposition. Changes in mood or solemn outlook will become easier to identify and investigate to see if there is some way to help. Sometimes, the basis for any such help simply begins with a loving and confidence inspiring home environment that can serve as a safe harbour from external issues and a source of strength to face any challenges.
Robbie
Don’t ignore it. Don’t tell them to suck it up or that they are weak - it takes strength for a kid to ask for help. Address the behaviour – because quite frankly – bullying is never right.
Jane
Talk to other adults – teachers or psychologists, for example – about it if you’re unsure how to help your child deal with it. Read about other situations and arm yourself with as much information as possible, to help yourself help your child feel more confident and able to get through it all.
Joe
Whatever you do, don’t do nothing, talk to you child and reassure them. It’s very possible that the child will not want you to do anything, because they may be afraid of how the bullies might react. If the teacher/ principal is unwilling /unable to do anything, look for another school. If necessary go to the police, especially where there is violence involved or text/ internet messages where there is a record of the activity, evidence, that is something traceable and tangible the cops can use. Try your local police station,but most there are snowed under with work. Don’t be put off, go to crime stoppers or through you state police official channels, write to the chief commissioner he will know where to take the matter, the police minister in your state may also be helpful. Also go to state education office if teachers/ Principal are not helpful.
The small nasty stuff will become big nasty stuff if you don’t act.
To other victims of bullying. It wasn’t your fault but the future is in your hands. Don’t wait, act. but act in you favour, not out of anger or revenge but to make your situation better. You can repair some of the damage done. One: ask for help from mum dad or anybody else who is in authority. Two: call kids helpline and tell them what is happening tell them what you need to do to get your life back on track. Don’t wait for anybody to do things, they wont. Don’t put your life on hold hoping for justice you need to have you life back on track as soon as possible, get the ball rolling yourself, Kids Helpline and Lifeline can help with this sort of stuff and at least point you to the right people who can help.
Sandra
Take action, sit down with the child, talk it out and show them what the consequences are. Do not ignore it.
Kate
It is important to name the behaviour for what it is - the child needs to say "stop bullying me". Kids don't always know that their behaviour is bullying. It is also important to ascertain if your child is bullying others as well as being bullied. These roles are not fixed.
Sam
Advice to other parents. Sadly, in the real world, there's always going to be some bully to deal with. So the best strategy is to give their kids the way of handling it. Give the kid being picked on some breathing space at home. Also give their kids confidence. Show them that in a way they're better than the bullies. Especially teach them to stand their ground. And keep throwing the comment "Equal terms, Sonny," back at the bullies once in a blue moon.
One other thing I'd suggest is let the kids being bullied read some Jewish experience throughout the centuries...about how when the world has thrown immense stuff at one people, they've managed to still keep going and be fresh as daisies creatively and in a contributing sense to the world. That's one thing that did always help me get through my worst experiences. They're the world's champions at surviving all the bastardization that's happened to them and finding a way to still do some good.
For the parents of a child who is a bully...tell them there's no guts in picking on someone weaker than themselves...that it demeans them by them doing so. Also point out to them it's not a great idea trying to avoid being picked on by becoming on eof the victimizers. That again is a coward's option. Explain to them that there are third path alternatives. Neither the victim nor victimizer. And perhaps show them a constructive path...like getting them to instead protect those being bullied. Where they'll be a fan favourite, not a heel.
Tiffany
Listen, really listen to your children. They may not say much but if they mention it, then it is probably bad and they feel they have no options left.
Talk to the teachers, try to work out ways that you can work together to help the child through this period without causing it to become worse.
You can't do this for them, you can be an advocate but you can't fix it. You can try to give them new skills to work through the feelings
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Messages to Bullies - Forgiven not Forgotten
Messages to Bullies - Forgiven not Forgotten
The effects of childhood bullying last well into adulthood and range from mild anxiety to more serious problems of depression, substance addiction and self-harm. It would be rare for an adult to have the opportunity to talk to a person who bullied them as a child - I’m unsure of whether it would be a helpful experience.
I thought the answers could help parents who are talking to their children about bullying - they might be especially helpful as conversation starters with your child if she or he has been behaving as a bully.
They are raw, they are real----
Asked:
As an adult, looking back, do you “understand” the bully/bullies? How do you feel about him/her/them? If you could say something to the person who bullied you now, what would you say? Anything?
As an adult, looking back, do you “understand” the bully/bullies? How do you feel about him/her/them? If you could say something to the person who bullied you now, what would you say? Anything?
Patrick
I understand that the school environment had become a competitive place in which adolescents were establishing a pecking order. The lack of sophistication in their tactics meant that their way of making themselves feel more important (and consider themselves further up that pecking order) was to put someone else down. Those that were in any way different or less sporty were easy targets for this kind of approach. I don’t think I could say anything to the bullies today that would make me feel better or give me back the dignity that was taken from me at such a critical time in my development.
I understand that the school environment had become a competitive place in which adolescents were establishing a pecking order. The lack of sophistication in their tactics meant that their way of making themselves feel more important (and consider themselves further up that pecking order) was to put someone else down. Those that were in any way different or less sporty were easy targets for this kind of approach. I don’t think I could say anything to the bullies today that would make me feel better or give me back the dignity that was taken from me at such a critical time in my development.
Robbie
I don’t think I will ever understand why people make fun of people. I guess people bully to distract from their own insecurities.
I don’t think I will ever understand why people make fun of people. I guess people bully to distract from their own insecurities.
If I am perfectly honest, I don’t think about the people that bullied me at all. I have no feelings about them whatsoever. If it weren’t for the way they treated me, I wouldn’t have learnt awesome coping strategies and developed a ridiculously strong sense of self.
Jane
I understand in one way, in that kids target those different to them, but mostly I still don’t understand why they felt the need to go to such an effort to do what they did. I guess it made them feel ‘bigger’? I’ve let go of any real bitterness, though. I’m not sure I’d have anything to say to them these days.
I understand in one way, in that kids target those different to them, but mostly I still don’t understand why they felt the need to go to such an effort to do what they did. I guess it made them feel ‘bigger’? I’ve let go of any real bitterness, though. I’m not sure I’d have anything to say to them these days.
Joe
I have never understood their bullying although I suspect there was animosity against myself and my mother’s family that went back to a time before I was born. Mum taught at the school after the end of the war. Possibly the fact that I was an adopted child but truthfully I do not know. I don’t really care about them or whatever happened to them. I suspect that my secondary school Principal did not want education department officials snooping around, he had his own secrets to hide. I am by nature a very caring person who likes to know how people get on in life. What would I say to any of them? Nothing.
I have never understood their bullying although I suspect there was animosity against myself and my mother’s family that went back to a time before I was born. Mum taught at the school after the end of the war. Possibly the fact that I was an adopted child but truthfully I do not know. I don’t really care about them or whatever happened to them. I suspect that my secondary school Principal did not want education department officials snooping around, he had his own secrets to hide. I am by nature a very caring person who likes to know how people get on in life. What would I say to any of them? Nothing.
Sandra
I never could understand why they did it. Out of jealousy? Possibly.
All I can say to the bullies now is "look where you are now & where I am, I won the battle"
I never could understand why they did it. Out of jealousy? Possibly.
All I can say to the bullies now is "look where you are now & where I am, I won the battle"
Kate
I've been in touch with the bullies from my past and they don't even recognise the pain they caused. I've forgiven these people because they made me who I am now. But they caused real pain to a real human being at the time. I think children are only a few steps away from Lord of the Flies.
I've been in touch with the bullies from my past and they don't even recognise the pain they caused. I've forgiven these people because they made me who I am now. But they caused real pain to a real human being at the time. I think children are only a few steps away from Lord of the Flies.
Sam
If I could say anything to the worst bullies...after one experience twenty years ago where I faced the really WORST bully I've ever met (as an adult)...it'd be: "Wait for equal terms, sport." Bullies at any age don't like equal terms or a fair contest. That's a bully's weak spot. They're also too dependent on advantages.
If I could say anything to the worst bullies...after one experience twenty years ago where I faced the really WORST bully I've ever met (as an adult)...it'd be: "Wait for equal terms, sport." Bullies at any age don't like equal terms or a fair contest. That's a bully's weak spot. They're also too dependent on advantages.
They still occur in the real world, they still occur in the adult world. It's not a perfect world and there are still bullies in politics and in other places. And they still have to be dealt with, because they don't stop bullying. Some do. When they meet something worse than themselves and develop some empathy out of the experience.
Tiffany
I often think about those people. I wonder what I would say to them, or if they would even remember me. I will never understand why I was their target or why they were inclined to be intolerant of people, who were not to their standards.
I often think about those people. I wonder what I would say to them, or if they would even remember me. I will never understand why I was their target or why they were inclined to be intolerant of people, who were not to their standards.
I don't blame them for who I am. I am ultimately responsible for that but I do know that they shaped me in such a way that my life is different than how it might have been, had I not been bullied so badly.
I try to look at it as a good thing.I would not be who I am, had I not had the experiences I have had.
I don't know what I would say to them if I ever saw them again but I have an interesting story for you. I was working as a midwife in the postnatal ward one night and we had a new admission from the birthing suite. I knew as soon as I saw her, who she was and she knew me too.
I welcomed her, as I would any woman and helped to make her comfortable in the ward. Halfway through the shift, she asked me if I remembered her. I answered, yes, very well. I knew who she was. She stated my unmarried name and I said, yes, that was me.
She stayed with us for three days and each shift I looked after her, she hardly said a word to me. I had decided that I would treat her the same way I treated all new mothers, despite the fact that the last time I had seen her she was spitting on me and had me cornered in the bottom of the playground while more of her friends kicked me and pinched my belly.
At the end of her time on the ward, she came up to me with a thank you note and she said; "You were so kind to me and my baby and when you had every right to be awful. You looked after me and I know you remember being teased and bullied by me". I said, yes, I remembered (my heart was beating in my throat, that fear, so strong, that feeling like I was just a little girl again, terrible) but that we were both adults now and it was my job to look after her as a new Mum, that I was not going to let our past interfere with that.
She thanked me again (but never apologised) and that was that.
I think of that encounter often. I guess I can forgive them but I will never forget.
(Names of the contributors have been changed or shortened but these are real people's stories.)
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